So Great a Cloud......

So recently (ok, more like yesterday) I spent a large chunk of time freaking out, a hobby I have been out of practice at recently, and it did not feel so good to stretch my legs and try it out again. The freak-out-age was over what most people freak out about: money. One of our best friends, Mr. Warren Sterling, also known to some as simply "G" is one of the coolest most Jesus lovin' folks you'll ever meet, and he also happens to be a missionary. He's spent the last couple of years at the Bethany College of Missions in Minnesota where my best friend Katelyn is also at school, you can find the link in my "check this out maybe" section. Anyway, Warren leaves in January for Kenya, Africa to spend the next 16 months doing in depth cultural study and mission work which rocks because this brother has been called to Uganda and it's really cool for him to get this close to his future destination. Anyway, Warren was having a rough time the last time he was here ( a couple months ago, I think) with fundraising, as every BCOM intern has to raise 44,000 big ones to go on internship. He was also selling his laptop for $500 so we told him we would buy it from him. He shipped it here and we got it the day before Christmas Eve, by which time, we as the consumer driven Christmassy people we were (also known as crappy stewards) we had run out of money. So, we just decided to pay Warren in January as long as it was before he left. The Lord threw a good ol' wrench in this plan however, as it turns out this Friday (way before we had planned on having the money) Warren, Katie, and Katie's dad Greg are all coming to town. This is fantastic news to me in one way (the four of us haven't been together in over a year)and frustrating news in another (my pride didn't want to see Warren and be like "Oh yeah, we owe you some money, but funny thing is we spent it"). So I have been praying hardcore for some days now that the Lord would somehow, someway provide the money for Warren to go to Africa, even if it didn't come from this measly little $500 that we didn't have. Well, the day comes to decide where the money will come from (as rent is due) and low and behold, we don't have enough, at least not before this Friday when we'll see Warren. Boy was my face red, I began regretting every single Christmas present I bought and resolved to super over simplify Christmas next year (i.e. Advent Conspiracy, make all my presents style). I fight with Brandon who for some crazy reason thinks it's more important to pay the rent than it is to pay Warren (which of course, he's right about, but I still felt awful). So we get in a screaming match in our apartment hallway (SO spiritual)and I wind up locking myself in my fortress of solitude (the bathroom). As soon as I lock the door, like literally, that same second, I hear Brandon's phone go off and guess who it is? Warren. Turns out, the Lord has gotten him 80% of his funding, he's not hurting for money, and he's totally fine with us paying him whenever we are able. Wow. I am a complete idiot Lord! This is a huge clump of lessons I had to learn, not the hard way, but the stupid way, maybe its just the Lord's way and I'm just plain stupid, I don't know. I learned that Christmas should be more meaningful and less expensive, stressful, and wasteful. I learned that the Lord truly is Jehovah Jireh, God Will Provide, even if it's in a way I totally don't understand (i.e. not through me or by my strength, I'm such a dunce). And I learned the sweetness of having a brother who is truly trusting in the Lord for everything. Warren is a very Godly man, and it totally edified me to know that he's trusting in the Lord like he is as he goes across the world to serve Him for His glory. We do truly have a great cloud of witnesses. That's why I love Christian biographies more than Christian theologies, we learn so much better from stories than from ideas, at least I definately do. The Psalms say "See in our history the faithful love of the Lord" that is why stories are important, they remind us that there is a very personal God of the Universe and that He has been faithful and will continue to be so.

Though He Slay Me, Yet Will I Trust in Him

I am currently reading a book appropriately titled "China's Christian Martyrs" by Paul Hattaway who also edited The Heavenly Man and Living Water by Chinese Christian Brother Yun. In doing some outside research it encourages, humbles, and stirs up a fiery jealousy in me when reading about the church in China. A little under two years ago, I took a trip to Guangzhou, China with a family who was adopting a little girl. Though I was confined to one city in China rather than traveling the whole country as I would have liked, I discovered that to see and learn about everything in this one city would take near a lifetime to do. There are 7 times as many people in Guangzhou than there are in New York City. Wow! That's a lot of people! While in Guangzhou, I visited the Sacred Heart Catholic Church, the Church of Christ on Shamian Island, and The Temple of the Six Banyan Trees, a working Buddhist temple. The Church of Christ had an English service and I was fortunate enough to get a firsthand look at the difference between true Christianity, and the Christianity prescribed by the People's Republic of China CCC movement. The government sanctioned churches in China are not allowed to preach, among other things, Christ as supreme over government, the resurrection of the dead, and the atonement for sins. Wow! That's like the whole gospel! To read about the true underground church in China and to see the actual Three Self Patriotic Movement in action is really eye opening. It's almost like The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis: the Narnians were persecuted, not for being Narnians which they were free to do, but because they believed in being Free Narnians. Anyway, what I'm getting at is how inspiring it is to me to think of the Chinese House Church Movement- the believers in China are persecuted daily (though their government claims they are not as they have "freedom of religion") and they have grown exponentially because of it! I used to want to be a missionary to China and while I still desire to go visit there again, and if the Lord were to call Brandon and I, we would certainly go, there is not doubt in my mind that China needs no Western missionaries, they have it down way better than we do! Back to the book though: I am so inspired by the stories of these brothers and sisters who were not afraid to lose their lives. I find me putting myself in their shoes: would I be so brave as to sing while about to be hanged? Would you be so brave? Is it even about bravery? I think that there is something about persecution that makes the Christian heart fiercer in it's working. If it gets to the point where people want to behead you for Christ, it means you're finally doing it right! Why stop then? I think it's a very dangerous thing indeed when the "empire gets baptised" as Shane Claiborne puts it. When Christianity became the official religion of Rome and therefore the rest of the then known world, it became corrupt, mandatory, and dead but for those precious few who were true followers. In America, we thank the Lord for providing us with huge buildings in which to worship and learn about Him, I face no persecution other than that which I bring upon myself by being a jerk. What if we did? What if we started living like Jesus? What if we let Him turn our worlds upside down? What if we counted our lives as nothing? Knew nothing but Christ and Him crucified? Paid as much attention to promises in the Bible like "They hated Me, they will hate you also" as we do to "I will never leave you"? What if we spent less on buildings (like none) and instead spent our money on furthering the Kingdom? On Blessing people? What would happen......

Driving vs Riding

I went with my mother in-law to Palo Duro Canyon today to pick up my husband's sister. It was a beautiful evening, we caught one of those uniquely Texas sunsets. Besides my family I think that Texas sunsets are going to be the thing I will miss most about Texas when and if the Lord calls us away. Anyway, en route to our destination, I realized something about myself: I was not paying attention to the sunset. I was looking straight ahead, watching for semis, keeping my eyes on the speedometer, making sure we were going the right way. About halfway through our little trip, I decided to just relax. lay down my back seat driver impulses, and just ride like I did when I was a kid, look out the window at how beautiful it was outside. About six months ago, my husband and I were in a series of wrecks very close together and ever since then I have been the worst backseat driver ever. I cringe, I over react, I criticize everything in general. I realized today that it has been a long time since I have actively ridden in a car and it felt seriously unnatural when I finally did. It is a trust issue for me.
This issue of trust while someone else is driving echoes one of the struggles of my life. When I get to a really sweet place with the Lord, I am so afraid of losing that that I over spiritualize my entire life. I make sure that I make sure that I am in the Word, that I am in prayer, even if I don't mean my prayers with my whole heart, even if I am just doing it out of habit, I must do it because what if I don't? This, as the Lord showed me today, is not freedom. It is not what He asks of me nor is it what He gives to me. It is bondage and it is religiosity. The Lord deserves so much more than to be one of my habits; He deserves to be worshiped in spirit and in truth, not in superstitious fear, which is what this fearful life of habit becomes. It is a self fulfilling prophecy. I fear to lose my real, deep time with Him, and it is this very thing that chokes it out and makes it lukewarm. Even in writing this post, it shows that I still fear this thing, but that I am going to "try" a different method of preserving that which I fear to lose. I want to be wholly surrendered to the Lord, this is what He deserves. He deserves to be sought hard after, but not out of habit. I guess that's what I'm trying to say. I pray that the Lord would transform my heart so that I would truly trust Him when He says that He will never leave me nor forsake me. I will not live a life of pretend, of playing the Holy Spirit. I don't want to be afraid of being poor in spirit because Jesus called those "Blessed". If I lose my life while someone else is driving the car, it won't matter whether I was freaking out the whole time or not. I have so much fear of being "ok". While it's sweet to be in a good place with the Lord, it's so much more dangerous to be on the mountain top than in the valley.

More Undignified, More Unafraid

So during our study tonight (1 Corinthians 1) we talked about the foolishness of the world and the wisdom of God, and about the base and foolish things of the world being used by God so that no flesh should glory in His presence. I love how the Lord does this; it's like He's reading my mail....I wish I would be as attentive to Him as He offers to be attentive to me. Anyway, for me, the application for this scripture really applies to my last post. The Lord has called me away from the life of normalcy proposed by this world. What this looks like specifically is yet unknown, but as of late, Egypt has been tempting me back into that place where I just plain don't want to look foolish to anyone whether it's for the Lord or not. The enemy is trying to convince me that I can be the "cool" girl for the Lord. This is especially true in my work environment. I am employed by a woman who I think loves the Lord. Other than that, my working environment is very wordly-there is a huge gossip epidemic in our tiny office and my fear daily has become that I will be the subject for the day. Yes! You heard (read) correctly! I am afraid of being the weird girl because I know these women will shred me with their words. This fearful, fleshly part of me wants to hide behind normalcy. What a shame! I hope and pray that the Lord would give me boldness to become undignified in a life or worship to Him, and after that to make me even more undignified! I want to have the heart of David, to dance like a wild woman because of who my Savior is! I believe the world is hungry for this experience! The church is so normal- it looks so much like the rest of the world. Think about statistically, how many people in your congregation actually truly know Jesus in a real surrendered sort of way? The church tries to reach people by being and acting just like them, at least that's what I do. This is not how I am supposed to live for Jesus! This is not how Jesus lived: He stood against the hypocrisy of the establishment of the day and did not make Himself just like the sinners He ministered to (except for making Himself human, but hey, I've got that one down) He was strikingly different than everyone else around Him. They don't crucify folks for being normal, for playing Christian and going to church. They crucify people for being weirdos and while I don't necessarily WANT to be crucified, I DO want to glorify my God. This means being a weirdo just like Him. An interesting point that came up in the middle of our conversation tonight was that Paul says that he was "all things to all men" and if we are to be so different, how do we fit this in? The answer, I believe is that we come to a place where we are relate-able in our strangeness. I need to find places to connect with the women I work with without being just like them. Basically, what the Lord taught me today is something that is so fundamental, that I know, but that I desperately need to remember right now and that is this: That in my unperfection, I am fearfully and wonderfully made by a God who knows what He's doing.
I used to make art when I was a bit younger- I did a lot of pen and ink stuff to try and channel my teen angst :) I never wanted to show it to anyone because I was afraid they would make fun of me or think it was horrible or stupid or something. Now, I don't know if I ever made any good art, but I did learn something from my mother (an artist herself and one of the bravest people I know) through this process of hiding. She told me that it was not fair of me to take a gift that I had been given and hide it from the world. My weirdness is my me-ness. It is my testimony and it is foolish to the world, it is glorifying to God. The Lord asked "who lights a lamp and hides it under a basket?" That is what He is asking me now.

Looking for a Chair

So lately, life, more specifically my "spiritual life" (though I believe there should be no distinction)has been a little....weird. Not bad, but definately very hard. I've been struggling with many things of the heart, things like pride, masked as self loathing. I don't know what it is about me that I find it so easy to compare myself to others and I am always the worst. While these comparisons may be true, they are a waste of time. Donald Miller said something to the effect of "The greatest trick of the devil is not to get us into some sort of sin, but to get us wasting time" In other words, the tricks of the enemy are not obvious. We can claim that there is "a devil behind every bush" and for some this may be true, but I think for the most part, the devil would rather have us think everything's fine than be screaming at the Lord. If we are screaming at Him, we are at least engaging Him.....but for me, my eyes tend so easily to be on myself. I wish I could spend more time loving Jesus and less time hating myself. Though there is nothing beautiful about me, there is some sick part of my flesh that still just wants to sit and stare at the nastiness of my being rather than stare at the glory and beauty of my Savior. The Lord gave me a picture or a vision or whatever you want to call it a few years ago when I was struggling with a similar problem (this is not a new issue for me)I saw myself in a room looking at a two way mirror.I knew the Lord was on the other side and that I was trying to convince myself that by staring into the mirror for long enough (which is really just staring at myself) I would somehow see Him. The Lord spoke to me that instead of continuing to look in the mirror, I should instead start looking around me for a chair to smash the mirror with. That is where I am now. I long to have this part of myself cut away by You, Lord! I am trying to have the correct response to this time in my life, but it seems that insecurities and depression for me, at least right now, are something I desperately want to get rid of,but am finding it difficult to put an end to. I want to not be the wet blanket that I know I am in these times as I am hypersensitive and tend to drag others down with me. I am learning the hard way what it means to take evry thought captive to Christ.I have been asking the Lord to transform my mind and to somehow be glorified through me by some miracle. Make me transparent Lord!!! I just long to see His face instead of mine. I know He's working on me though, my prayers have never fallen on deaf ears and I know that when this time is over my identity in Him will be stout and my testimony stronger making my ministry far more effective. I am really looking forward to that :)

To All You Nit-Picky English Folks

As my husband keeps reminding me, I have horrible grammar. This shows up in my posts quite frequently I'm afraid, and for all you natural born grammar correctors out there, I formally and most sincerely apologize for any pains you may be experiencing due to my un conventional grammar and spelling practices.
Love,
The Beth

We Be Crazy.....or Be We?

So for the first time in...well, let's just say "A loooong time" Brando and I went to Grace for a Sunday morning service. This is strange because the Lord has recently called us away from there. We went to hear Pastor Steven, a man of God from Nairobi,Kenya. This guy gets it. And I think as crazy as it may seem, Brando and I are GETTING IT!! Like for real.
Revival is going to happen. The Lord is stirring His people out of their slumber and blowing the trumpet to tell them "WAKE UP! You sleepy Christians!" There is a regiment growing steadily unwilling to compromise for comfort or churchianity. Unwilling to sacrifice the lord for the World. We are at the gate.
I have a desire in my heart, my mind every part of me to find the lord Jesus, no matter what that takes from me or gives to me because HE IS Worthy....
So what does that mean? For me and Brandon (Brandon and I for all you English majors out there), it means forsaking all of our....stuff! Gasp! Yes, our stuff including but certainly not limited to the Tele, the video games, the couch, everything will eventually be going away. For some wierd reason everyone but a select few think we're crazy for this. Like stuff is anything but...well...stuff! We don't want to sell this stuff (or give it away- anybody need a TV?) so that we can be "hyper-spiritual" or labeled as Radicals or something, although I'm learning that even if you don't want that to happen, it does anyway:) We're doing it for two reasons 1) First and foremost, we desire to see the Lord and to know Him, yes, to ACTUALLY KNOW the god of the universe, and He is worthy of the best of our time, the best of our effort and even if He could speak to us (which I know He can) amongst all the noise and stuff-i-ness of life, He deserves to know we're REALLY listening. 2) We are praying and seeking the Lord's will about missions. Currently our focus in prayer is if it would be the Lord's will to be trained up in Minnesota at BCOM. Any prayer or support we could recieve from you guys would be the bomb cause if we go, it's gonna have to be the Lord $17,000.00 doesn't just come out of the sky:) Unless Jesus wants it to I guess......Anyways, that's what's happening in our lives right now.
Which brings me back to Pastor Steven: I'm glad we could hear this man speak. He "does church" in a way that is active and alive- something the church of America is in desperate need of today. Anyways, the Lord really used Pastor Steven to confirm much of what has been happening in our lives- that the way is narrow and we must forsake all to find it. The time has come to quit shying away from the truth- "For I am not ahsamed of the gospel of Christ, for it is the power of god to salvation for everyone who believes, for the Jew first and also for the Greek. For in it the righteousness of God is revealed from faith to faith; as it is written, 'The just shall live by faith'" Rom 1:16
How is it that I can be afraid to tell anyone about the truth of the gospel? Even in America where we think everyone knows it, and maybe they do, but dag nabbit! We need to know that we know that we know that they know it. We are going to be accountable for every opportunity- for everyone who knows us by name, the lord will ask us, "What did you do about....?" I shudder to think of how much blood is already on my hands as a lukewarm pansy of a Christian. Pastor Steven brought up Ezekiel 33:1-9 I won't print it here-it's way long, but check it out (I know you all have Bibles). This watchman position that we have as members of a sleeping body is not something that the Lord takes lightly .
Anyway- all that to say that I have come to a place with the Lord where I recognize my poverty stricken spiritual state and I just need to seek Him while He may be found.
Love, love:)

Why?

A girl from my church killed herself last week. A beautiful girl. A girl everyone loved so much. A girl who knew the Lord. Why? I just can't understand how a person as beautiful in Him, as in love with Him, would do that. I can't wrap my head around it now. She's ashes in a jar now. Everyone misses her so much. It's just pain for no reason. Does the Lord have a will in this? Is it just some crushing blow from the Devil himself? The one who has come to steal, kill, and destroy? Oh Lord......please have a will. Thank you that nothing can separate us from your love.

Pop-Eye, Robin, and Jesus

"I am what I am and that's all that I am."
Maybe Pop-Eye had it right.
I've been so frustrated these last few days with wedding-y stuff: where are people going to sit, what will they eat, how am I supposed to get all of these addresses???? What if's have clouded my mind with Brandon getting a job, us getting a place to live, insurance companies and lawyers and everything. To top it all off, I'm moving out of my parent's house. Brandon has one up on me with this one, I have never lived away from my family. Ever.
I got saved on April 4th, 2004. Since that time I have been pouring my heart into loving my family into loving Jesus. I love my family more than life itself. I would die for them. I cannot stand the thought of them living in prisons of sin here on earth and then living forever as prisoners of the Enemy of God. It kills me. I feel that this is my last ditch effort to try and win them for Jesus, like once I've moved out I'm gone and so is my chance and so is their chance. I care so much in fact that every time I come home, I wind up being rude to someone or fighting with someone. I suck as your disciple Lord. I found myself crying for about an hour today. I miss my family so much and I feel like they resent me and they resent the Lord for changing me from what I was. Before I got saved, we got along famously.
All of this to say that today wasn't exactly my kind of day. It seems like the world is falling apart all around you. The people I love are hurting like mad. My best friend's family is in a state of life sucking. My fiance's best friend is curled up on the floor crying uncontrollably. Pain is seemingly everywhere.
Then I meet Robin.
We had a group of about 85 college kids at Grace today from Horizon School of Evangelism. They did a seminar tonight called "Love out Loud" Sounds like something I'd be interested in. I probably would've been if I hadn't have just had a day like no other it seemed, I pretty much snapped. The first discussion group I was in I just wound up bawling my eyes out in front of three complete strangers from this school. I told them how I felt like a failure as a disciple and that I was just the most untrusting, the biggest control freak and I was taking it out on everybody around me. These people prayed for me and one of the girls named Robin encouraged me by saying that she too came from a non Christian family and that even after I moved out my life would be a testimony to them of the power of God and the Love of God and the picture of His church.
So the Pastor of this school gets up and starts talking about John 15 and abiding in the love of Christ when the theme song from "The Fresh Prince of Bellaire" just belts itself out in front of these complete strangers that I just poured my heart out to. Everyone around me is laughing because I just got this huge purse and I'm trying in vain to find my tiny cell phone giving Will Smith ample time to express how he could definately get used to the Bellaire lifestyle. Twice.
What a time for Katie to call.
Long story short it turns out that that was a huge blessing from the Lord. We talked through the entire seminar and even a little bit after it. She needed me and I needed her. Interestingly enough, I found out today that the Lord can redeem and even use our greatest stories of sin. The Lord has taken what Brandon and I went through in our relationship and used it to help Katie and Warren. At least I hope so. Anyways.
So after I hang up with Katie, I go back into the sanctuary to get my bag and my Bible. Becky is still sitting in her seat talking with this girl Robin who actually came back just to talk to her as the students actually had to move around the whole time. So I walk over and start talking and this girl just blows me away. She is the most real person I have talked to in so long. So full of love. She shared my heart for the Lord and He very much used her to comfort me. Most of all, she said it. Yes- IT! The white picket fence that drove me away from the world. She said the very same words that made me know that Katie was my really truly best friend. That made me know Brandon was the only man I could follow. I am ruined for a normal life. I can't have a white picket fence with a little dog and a minivan. She said it. And she invited me to go to HSE. This is a God thing. Prayer is needed, but my heart came alive talking to her. It softened and was reminded. Reminded of what is important and of what is my calling and just WOW. So we'll see where this goes.
After this wonderfully comforting experience the Lord gave me rain. Not just rain, but a Thunderstorm! The lighting, the thunder! All just Him, sending chills up and down my spine and through my body. What is it about rain that just makes me want to sing to Jesus??????

So, long story short. I'll be okay:) I'm okay because God says so, even if I don't feel it. He says so. Just being me.
Not just okay, because we don't have an okay God. It'll be perfect. I just have no idea what perfect means. I wish I could really learn that.

If I Know His Voice......

Typical Wednesday night service. Pastor Bill cracks me up with his knife-y sound effects and the day having worn me down, I have to practically pinch myself to keep from falling asleep. What a disciple am I, eh? I find myself trying to worship the Lord truly, without giving a thought to me, to what I sound like, to what I am doing, to who is looking and to focus wholly on His Himness. Of course I fail miserably, but I think that's to be expected. Towards the end of the worship set, Dan starts in to "Blessed be Your Name", I get a cramp in my left foot. While foot cramps are not uncommon to me, cramps while standing are quite uncommon, usually I am pointing my foot in a way I know I shouldn't or stretching it too far or swimming or something, but this time I was just standing, trying to focus my attention away from myself. I'm practically screaming in pain at this point when the line "Though there's pain in the offering" comes up. I almost laugh. How perfect Lord! The Enemy can do his thing, but You are so on top of it. I sing to Jesus.
The sermon is in Ecclesiastes. The wise man listens, the foolish man ignores. The sheep know the shepherds voice. The wise man built his house on the rock, etc. Basically, listening to Jesus does the body good. There were seven baptisms scheduled for tonight, about three of them were third grade kids, it was great. So we're all done with baptisms and bill's doing his last call when my heart starts pounding out of my chest. "Beth" I hear Him, feel Him, know Him saying. "Come on" My hand shoots up without even thinking about it. Pastor Bill's back is turned, so I think I can put it down really fast without him seeing, but Neil is over in the corner, gesturing to Bill that "Hey, there's one!" Crap! Past the point of no return. Brandon gets to dunk me for Jesus.
So how do I know it was Jesus this time and not just me deciding it like the two times before? To answer, let me share with you a moment of deep regret for me. The Hair Girl. Way back in the day during my sacking days at United, a girl came through my line with who I assume was her dad. This girl has tears streaming down her face and I can tell she has been crying for a while. Well, I think to myself "Gee, that sucks, I hope she'll be ok." and a voice, a feeling, a knowing, formed words not my own say to me "Tell her her hair is pretty." I think to myself "What, why would I do that, that's stupid, I'm sure she knows her hair is pretty." and something that I would normally do anyway without prompting, I skip over because I think it's just a dumb idea. Maybe it scared me that it wasn't my idea, I don't know. So I take out their groceries, we're making small talk about the weather, etc. when we finally get to their car. The girl hops in without a word and slams the door. I ask the man that was with her, "Is she ok?" and he says to me "She just got her hair cut and she thinks it looks bad." I am standing in the parking lot with my mouth open for what feels like hours when I stammer out something like "Well, tell her it looks really great!" But the moment is gone. The Holy Spirit spoke, in such a seemingly insignificant way to me, but I ignored it. I let it slip away when He could've changed her day, her week, however long she was embarrassed about her hair. That is one of the most shameful moments of my past and I hope I never have to live with anything like it again.
The sheep know His voice. We just choose to ignore it sometimes.
So tonight, when my heart was about to beat out of my chest, I raised my hand. Even though just three years ago, the same pastor baptized me. In front of mostly the same congregation. It was very foolish. To some it might even look like I was doing it for personal vain glory. I know I did it this time because He told me to. That changes everything. That makes my heart come alive. If anyone knows me, it's him, and He still wants me to hear His call, to be obedient. What a time to be obedient, eh? Someday I will have not a cloak nor a walking stick, no money or food for the journey. Maybe even no Brandon someday. All I will have is Him. His voice. His feeling. His knowing.
If I know His voice, if I do what it says, then I am His sheep.

Why Do I Always Wax Poetic?

This is my blog and all I've done on it so far is write some rinky dink poetry. Which there is nothing wrong with, but that is not all that is in my heart. No, the things in my heart are often far from poetic unless that poetry is something out of Dante's "Inferno". I have come out of this place of constant poetic-ness, writing at least one grand thing down every day. I have quit journaling and find my life to be much more of a bore. I go from the day to day, working, thinking, praying, then move on and never remember any of it. That's the thing about writing, it helps one to remember. I don't remember scripture unless I write it down, I don't remember my prayers, even out of the deepness of my heart, real and true prayers unless I write them down. I wouldn't remember my own name unless I had been forced to write it down so many times. I can't chalk my current dry and droll situation up to not writing and leave it at that, but it is at least a part of the problem. Or perhaps a symptom of it. What if I don't write for a reason? Because I don't have anything to say, perhaps, because I don't know how to say whatever it is. What if, Lord forbid- I am afraid of it? What if I am afraid to see my heart in all it's nasty red gunk hearti-ness? Yes, no doubt this fear is the culprit. If I wrote down my true heart I would have to know about myself. Myself is not something I fancy being too familiar with at this present time. I would have to confess so many things. So much nasty me-ness. Lord, why can I not get past this mirror!?!?!?! I only want to see you, but all I can see is me in all of my human-ness. UGH! So I ignore myself. This has been my strategy so far. Try as I might I am always around myself though.
I have even said myself that Pretense cannot exist in the presence of Holiness. Holiness is the opposite of Pretense. They are at War. Holiness is the reality of life and all of the unbelievably true, the probable rather than the possible. Pretense is what we would like to be. It is our own private creation where we play God and thus it is our own private Hell. Like the Better than Life video game in Red Dwarf, try as we might, reality will always be better than whatever it is that we think we can do better than God. Lord, help me to confess! To come face to face with my reality! The word says that "the truth will set you free". How very.....true.
So then was it more true when I was poetic and daydreaming and flitting around in my own mind and heart and feeling? Is it more true now that I know my own salvation is by a thread, my self is wretched and I feel as if I have a dragon breathing down my neck?
I know that God's word says I am His. His Word says I am unsnatchably in His hand. His Word validates both times of truth, both times of me. Oh, Lord. Hindsight 20/20 is a curse. Why am I always wanting something more of my life, more of me? More of You? Why can I not just realize that I am here and You are here. I am wretched Lord, but You love the Wretched. I am so weak, but you love the Weak. I believe Lord, help my unbelief!

And My Beloved is Mine

You are Yellow,
You are Sunflowers and Sunlight.
You are Orange Juice,
And Blue Sky,
And Rain,
And Magic.
You are Oceans.
You are Bottles.
You are incarnations of Divinity.
You are man.
You are woman.
You are his or hers.
You are all Mine.
I have hunted you down
I have cornered you,
To show you the best way possible
To remove your yoke
Of slavery
And give you a yoke of
Deepness
And Life,
And Love.
I love you,
Precious and Honored One.
I do not want
To fight you,
I want to enlist you.
Find your sword,
Break this mirror.
Come.
Be with me.
My Bride.

Bad Poetry Should Always be Overanalyzed

socks socks socks
sheep sheep sheep
I love sheep.
I love socks.
I love socks made out of sheep.
I love it when sheep wear socks.
I especially love it when sheep wear socks made out of other sheep.
Deliciously ironic.
They're like feet cannibals.
But only in my dreams.
Where you are as well.
Wearing sheep socks.
I love you.
Thank you for not wearing socks made out of me.
I'll try and return the favor.
But only if you return my socks.