So Great a Cloud......

So recently (ok, more like yesterday) I spent a large chunk of time freaking out, a hobby I have been out of practice at recently, and it did not feel so good to stretch my legs and try it out again. The freak-out-age was over what most people freak out about: money. One of our best friends, Mr. Warren Sterling, also known to some as simply "G" is one of the coolest most Jesus lovin' folks you'll ever meet, and he also happens to be a missionary. He's spent the last couple of years at the Bethany College of Missions in Minnesota where my best friend Katelyn is also at school, you can find the link in my "check this out maybe" section. Anyway, Warren leaves in January for Kenya, Africa to spend the next 16 months doing in depth cultural study and mission work which rocks because this brother has been called to Uganda and it's really cool for him to get this close to his future destination. Anyway, Warren was having a rough time the last time he was here ( a couple months ago, I think) with fundraising, as every BCOM intern has to raise 44,000 big ones to go on internship. He was also selling his laptop for $500 so we told him we would buy it from him. He shipped it here and we got it the day before Christmas Eve, by which time, we as the consumer driven Christmassy people we were (also known as crappy stewards) we had run out of money. So, we just decided to pay Warren in January as long as it was before he left. The Lord threw a good ol' wrench in this plan however, as it turns out this Friday (way before we had planned on having the money) Warren, Katie, and Katie's dad Greg are all coming to town. This is fantastic news to me in one way (the four of us haven't been together in over a year)and frustrating news in another (my pride didn't want to see Warren and be like "Oh yeah, we owe you some money, but funny thing is we spent it"). So I have been praying hardcore for some days now that the Lord would somehow, someway provide the money for Warren to go to Africa, even if it didn't come from this measly little $500 that we didn't have. Well, the day comes to decide where the money will come from (as rent is due) and low and behold, we don't have enough, at least not before this Friday when we'll see Warren. Boy was my face red, I began regretting every single Christmas present I bought and resolved to super over simplify Christmas next year (i.e. Advent Conspiracy, make all my presents style). I fight with Brandon who for some crazy reason thinks it's more important to pay the rent than it is to pay Warren (which of course, he's right about, but I still felt awful). So we get in a screaming match in our apartment hallway (SO spiritual)and I wind up locking myself in my fortress of solitude (the bathroom). As soon as I lock the door, like literally, that same second, I hear Brandon's phone go off and guess who it is? Warren. Turns out, the Lord has gotten him 80% of his funding, he's not hurting for money, and he's totally fine with us paying him whenever we are able. Wow. I am a complete idiot Lord! This is a huge clump of lessons I had to learn, not the hard way, but the stupid way, maybe its just the Lord's way and I'm just plain stupid, I don't know. I learned that Christmas should be more meaningful and less expensive, stressful, and wasteful. I learned that the Lord truly is Jehovah Jireh, God Will Provide, even if it's in a way I totally don't understand (i.e. not through me or by my strength, I'm such a dunce). And I learned the sweetness of having a brother who is truly trusting in the Lord for everything. Warren is a very Godly man, and it totally edified me to know that he's trusting in the Lord like he is as he goes across the world to serve Him for His glory. We do truly have a great cloud of witnesses. That's why I love Christian biographies more than Christian theologies, we learn so much better from stories than from ideas, at least I definately do. The Psalms say "See in our history the faithful love of the Lord" that is why stories are important, they remind us that there is a very personal God of the Universe and that He has been faithful and will continue to be so.

Though He Slay Me, Yet Will I Trust in Him

I am currently reading a book appropriately titled "China's Christian Martyrs" by Paul Hattaway who also edited The Heavenly Man and Living Water by Chinese Christian Brother Yun. In doing some outside research it encourages, humbles, and stirs up a fiery jealousy in me when reading about the church in China. A little under two years ago, I took a trip to Guangzhou, China with a family who was adopting a little girl. Though I was confined to one city in China rather than traveling the whole country as I would have liked, I discovered that to see and learn about everything in this one city would take near a lifetime to do. There are 7 times as many people in Guangzhou than there are in New York City. Wow! That's a lot of people! While in Guangzhou, I visited the Sacred Heart Catholic Church, the Church of Christ on Shamian Island, and The Temple of the Six Banyan Trees, a working Buddhist temple. The Church of Christ had an English service and I was fortunate enough to get a firsthand look at the difference between true Christianity, and the Christianity prescribed by the People's Republic of China CCC movement. The government sanctioned churches in China are not allowed to preach, among other things, Christ as supreme over government, the resurrection of the dead, and the atonement for sins. Wow! That's like the whole gospel! To read about the true underground church in China and to see the actual Three Self Patriotic Movement in action is really eye opening. It's almost like The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis: the Narnians were persecuted, not for being Narnians which they were free to do, but because they believed in being Free Narnians. Anyway, what I'm getting at is how inspiring it is to me to think of the Chinese House Church Movement- the believers in China are persecuted daily (though their government claims they are not as they have "freedom of religion") and they have grown exponentially because of it! I used to want to be a missionary to China and while I still desire to go visit there again, and if the Lord were to call Brandon and I, we would certainly go, there is not doubt in my mind that China needs no Western missionaries, they have it down way better than we do! Back to the book though: I am so inspired by the stories of these brothers and sisters who were not afraid to lose their lives. I find me putting myself in their shoes: would I be so brave as to sing while about to be hanged? Would you be so brave? Is it even about bravery? I think that there is something about persecution that makes the Christian heart fiercer in it's working. If it gets to the point where people want to behead you for Christ, it means you're finally doing it right! Why stop then? I think it's a very dangerous thing indeed when the "empire gets baptised" as Shane Claiborne puts it. When Christianity became the official religion of Rome and therefore the rest of the then known world, it became corrupt, mandatory, and dead but for those precious few who were true followers. In America, we thank the Lord for providing us with huge buildings in which to worship and learn about Him, I face no persecution other than that which I bring upon myself by being a jerk. What if we did? What if we started living like Jesus? What if we let Him turn our worlds upside down? What if we counted our lives as nothing? Knew nothing but Christ and Him crucified? Paid as much attention to promises in the Bible like "They hated Me, they will hate you also" as we do to "I will never leave you"? What if we spent less on buildings (like none) and instead spent our money on furthering the Kingdom? On Blessing people? What would happen......

Driving vs Riding

I went with my mother in-law to Palo Duro Canyon today to pick up my husband's sister. It was a beautiful evening, we caught one of those uniquely Texas sunsets. Besides my family I think that Texas sunsets are going to be the thing I will miss most about Texas when and if the Lord calls us away. Anyway, en route to our destination, I realized something about myself: I was not paying attention to the sunset. I was looking straight ahead, watching for semis, keeping my eyes on the speedometer, making sure we were going the right way. About halfway through our little trip, I decided to just relax. lay down my back seat driver impulses, and just ride like I did when I was a kid, look out the window at how beautiful it was outside. About six months ago, my husband and I were in a series of wrecks very close together and ever since then I have been the worst backseat driver ever. I cringe, I over react, I criticize everything in general. I realized today that it has been a long time since I have actively ridden in a car and it felt seriously unnatural when I finally did. It is a trust issue for me.
This issue of trust while someone else is driving echoes one of the struggles of my life. When I get to a really sweet place with the Lord, I am so afraid of losing that that I over spiritualize my entire life. I make sure that I make sure that I am in the Word, that I am in prayer, even if I don't mean my prayers with my whole heart, even if I am just doing it out of habit, I must do it because what if I don't? This, as the Lord showed me today, is not freedom. It is not what He asks of me nor is it what He gives to me. It is bondage and it is religiosity. The Lord deserves so much more than to be one of my habits; He deserves to be worshiped in spirit and in truth, not in superstitious fear, which is what this fearful life of habit becomes. It is a self fulfilling prophecy. I fear to lose my real, deep time with Him, and it is this very thing that chokes it out and makes it lukewarm. Even in writing this post, it shows that I still fear this thing, but that I am going to "try" a different method of preserving that which I fear to lose. I want to be wholly surrendered to the Lord, this is what He deserves. He deserves to be sought hard after, but not out of habit. I guess that's what I'm trying to say. I pray that the Lord would transform my heart so that I would truly trust Him when He says that He will never leave me nor forsake me. I will not live a life of pretend, of playing the Holy Spirit. I don't want to be afraid of being poor in spirit because Jesus called those "Blessed". If I lose my life while someone else is driving the car, it won't matter whether I was freaking out the whole time or not. I have so much fear of being "ok". While it's sweet to be in a good place with the Lord, it's so much more dangerous to be on the mountain top than in the valley.

More Undignified, More Unafraid

So during our study tonight (1 Corinthians 1) we talked about the foolishness of the world and the wisdom of God, and about the base and foolish things of the world being used by God so that no flesh should glory in His presence. I love how the Lord does this; it's like He's reading my mail....I wish I would be as attentive to Him as He offers to be attentive to me. Anyway, for me, the application for this scripture really applies to my last post. The Lord has called me away from the life of normalcy proposed by this world. What this looks like specifically is yet unknown, but as of late, Egypt has been tempting me back into that place where I just plain don't want to look foolish to anyone whether it's for the Lord or not. The enemy is trying to convince me that I can be the "cool" girl for the Lord. This is especially true in my work environment. I am employed by a woman who I think loves the Lord. Other than that, my working environment is very wordly-there is a huge gossip epidemic in our tiny office and my fear daily has become that I will be the subject for the day. Yes! You heard (read) correctly! I am afraid of being the weird girl because I know these women will shred me with their words. This fearful, fleshly part of me wants to hide behind normalcy. What a shame! I hope and pray that the Lord would give me boldness to become undignified in a life or worship to Him, and after that to make me even more undignified! I want to have the heart of David, to dance like a wild woman because of who my Savior is! I believe the world is hungry for this experience! The church is so normal- it looks so much like the rest of the world. Think about statistically, how many people in your congregation actually truly know Jesus in a real surrendered sort of way? The church tries to reach people by being and acting just like them, at least that's what I do. This is not how I am supposed to live for Jesus! This is not how Jesus lived: He stood against the hypocrisy of the establishment of the day and did not make Himself just like the sinners He ministered to (except for making Himself human, but hey, I've got that one down) He was strikingly different than everyone else around Him. They don't crucify folks for being normal, for playing Christian and going to church. They crucify people for being weirdos and while I don't necessarily WANT to be crucified, I DO want to glorify my God. This means being a weirdo just like Him. An interesting point that came up in the middle of our conversation tonight was that Paul says that he was "all things to all men" and if we are to be so different, how do we fit this in? The answer, I believe is that we come to a place where we are relate-able in our strangeness. I need to find places to connect with the women I work with without being just like them. Basically, what the Lord taught me today is something that is so fundamental, that I know, but that I desperately need to remember right now and that is this: That in my unperfection, I am fearfully and wonderfully made by a God who knows what He's doing.
I used to make art when I was a bit younger- I did a lot of pen and ink stuff to try and channel my teen angst :) I never wanted to show it to anyone because I was afraid they would make fun of me or think it was horrible or stupid or something. Now, I don't know if I ever made any good art, but I did learn something from my mother (an artist herself and one of the bravest people I know) through this process of hiding. She told me that it was not fair of me to take a gift that I had been given and hide it from the world. My weirdness is my me-ness. It is my testimony and it is foolish to the world, it is glorifying to God. The Lord asked "who lights a lamp and hides it under a basket?" That is what He is asking me now.

Looking for a Chair

So lately, life, more specifically my "spiritual life" (though I believe there should be no distinction)has been a little....weird. Not bad, but definately very hard. I've been struggling with many things of the heart, things like pride, masked as self loathing. I don't know what it is about me that I find it so easy to compare myself to others and I am always the worst. While these comparisons may be true, they are a waste of time. Donald Miller said something to the effect of "The greatest trick of the devil is not to get us into some sort of sin, but to get us wasting time" In other words, the tricks of the enemy are not obvious. We can claim that there is "a devil behind every bush" and for some this may be true, but I think for the most part, the devil would rather have us think everything's fine than be screaming at the Lord. If we are screaming at Him, we are at least engaging Him.....but for me, my eyes tend so easily to be on myself. I wish I could spend more time loving Jesus and less time hating myself. Though there is nothing beautiful about me, there is some sick part of my flesh that still just wants to sit and stare at the nastiness of my being rather than stare at the glory and beauty of my Savior. The Lord gave me a picture or a vision or whatever you want to call it a few years ago when I was struggling with a similar problem (this is not a new issue for me)I saw myself in a room looking at a two way mirror.I knew the Lord was on the other side and that I was trying to convince myself that by staring into the mirror for long enough (which is really just staring at myself) I would somehow see Him. The Lord spoke to me that instead of continuing to look in the mirror, I should instead start looking around me for a chair to smash the mirror with. That is where I am now. I long to have this part of myself cut away by You, Lord! I am trying to have the correct response to this time in my life, but it seems that insecurities and depression for me, at least right now, are something I desperately want to get rid of,but am finding it difficult to put an end to. I want to not be the wet blanket that I know I am in these times as I am hypersensitive and tend to drag others down with me. I am learning the hard way what it means to take evry thought captive to Christ.I have been asking the Lord to transform my mind and to somehow be glorified through me by some miracle. Make me transparent Lord!!! I just long to see His face instead of mine. I know He's working on me though, my prayers have never fallen on deaf ears and I know that when this time is over my identity in Him will be stout and my testimony stronger making my ministry far more effective. I am really looking forward to that :)