Driving vs Riding

I went with my mother in-law to Palo Duro Canyon today to pick up my husband's sister. It was a beautiful evening, we caught one of those uniquely Texas sunsets. Besides my family I think that Texas sunsets are going to be the thing I will miss most about Texas when and if the Lord calls us away. Anyway, en route to our destination, I realized something about myself: I was not paying attention to the sunset. I was looking straight ahead, watching for semis, keeping my eyes on the speedometer, making sure we were going the right way. About halfway through our little trip, I decided to just relax. lay down my back seat driver impulses, and just ride like I did when I was a kid, look out the window at how beautiful it was outside. About six months ago, my husband and I were in a series of wrecks very close together and ever since then I have been the worst backseat driver ever. I cringe, I over react, I criticize everything in general. I realized today that it has been a long time since I have actively ridden in a car and it felt seriously unnatural when I finally did. It is a trust issue for me.
This issue of trust while someone else is driving echoes one of the struggles of my life. When I get to a really sweet place with the Lord, I am so afraid of losing that that I over spiritualize my entire life. I make sure that I make sure that I am in the Word, that I am in prayer, even if I don't mean my prayers with my whole heart, even if I am just doing it out of habit, I must do it because what if I don't? This, as the Lord showed me today, is not freedom. It is not what He asks of me nor is it what He gives to me. It is bondage and it is religiosity. The Lord deserves so much more than to be one of my habits; He deserves to be worshiped in spirit and in truth, not in superstitious fear, which is what this fearful life of habit becomes. It is a self fulfilling prophecy. I fear to lose my real, deep time with Him, and it is this very thing that chokes it out and makes it lukewarm. Even in writing this post, it shows that I still fear this thing, but that I am going to "try" a different method of preserving that which I fear to lose. I want to be wholly surrendered to the Lord, this is what He deserves. He deserves to be sought hard after, but not out of habit. I guess that's what I'm trying to say. I pray that the Lord would transform my heart so that I would truly trust Him when He says that He will never leave me nor forsake me. I will not live a life of pretend, of playing the Holy Spirit. I don't want to be afraid of being poor in spirit because Jesus called those "Blessed". If I lose my life while someone else is driving the car, it won't matter whether I was freaking out the whole time or not. I have so much fear of being "ok". While it's sweet to be in a good place with the Lord, it's so much more dangerous to be on the mountain top than in the valley.