Pop-Eye, Robin, and Jesus

"I am what I am and that's all that I am."
Maybe Pop-Eye had it right.
I've been so frustrated these last few days with wedding-y stuff: where are people going to sit, what will they eat, how am I supposed to get all of these addresses???? What if's have clouded my mind with Brandon getting a job, us getting a place to live, insurance companies and lawyers and everything. To top it all off, I'm moving out of my parent's house. Brandon has one up on me with this one, I have never lived away from my family. Ever.
I got saved on April 4th, 2004. Since that time I have been pouring my heart into loving my family into loving Jesus. I love my family more than life itself. I would die for them. I cannot stand the thought of them living in prisons of sin here on earth and then living forever as prisoners of the Enemy of God. It kills me. I feel that this is my last ditch effort to try and win them for Jesus, like once I've moved out I'm gone and so is my chance and so is their chance. I care so much in fact that every time I come home, I wind up being rude to someone or fighting with someone. I suck as your disciple Lord. I found myself crying for about an hour today. I miss my family so much and I feel like they resent me and they resent the Lord for changing me from what I was. Before I got saved, we got along famously.
All of this to say that today wasn't exactly my kind of day. It seems like the world is falling apart all around you. The people I love are hurting like mad. My best friend's family is in a state of life sucking. My fiance's best friend is curled up on the floor crying uncontrollably. Pain is seemingly everywhere.
Then I meet Robin.
We had a group of about 85 college kids at Grace today from Horizon School of Evangelism. They did a seminar tonight called "Love out Loud" Sounds like something I'd be interested in. I probably would've been if I hadn't have just had a day like no other it seemed, I pretty much snapped. The first discussion group I was in I just wound up bawling my eyes out in front of three complete strangers from this school. I told them how I felt like a failure as a disciple and that I was just the most untrusting, the biggest control freak and I was taking it out on everybody around me. These people prayed for me and one of the girls named Robin encouraged me by saying that she too came from a non Christian family and that even after I moved out my life would be a testimony to them of the power of God and the Love of God and the picture of His church.
So the Pastor of this school gets up and starts talking about John 15 and abiding in the love of Christ when the theme song from "The Fresh Prince of Bellaire" just belts itself out in front of these complete strangers that I just poured my heart out to. Everyone around me is laughing because I just got this huge purse and I'm trying in vain to find my tiny cell phone giving Will Smith ample time to express how he could definately get used to the Bellaire lifestyle. Twice.
What a time for Katie to call.
Long story short it turns out that that was a huge blessing from the Lord. We talked through the entire seminar and even a little bit after it. She needed me and I needed her. Interestingly enough, I found out today that the Lord can redeem and even use our greatest stories of sin. The Lord has taken what Brandon and I went through in our relationship and used it to help Katie and Warren. At least I hope so. Anyways.
So after I hang up with Katie, I go back into the sanctuary to get my bag and my Bible. Becky is still sitting in her seat talking with this girl Robin who actually came back just to talk to her as the students actually had to move around the whole time. So I walk over and start talking and this girl just blows me away. She is the most real person I have talked to in so long. So full of love. She shared my heart for the Lord and He very much used her to comfort me. Most of all, she said it. Yes- IT! The white picket fence that drove me away from the world. She said the very same words that made me know that Katie was my really truly best friend. That made me know Brandon was the only man I could follow. I am ruined for a normal life. I can't have a white picket fence with a little dog and a minivan. She said it. And she invited me to go to HSE. This is a God thing. Prayer is needed, but my heart came alive talking to her. It softened and was reminded. Reminded of what is important and of what is my calling and just WOW. So we'll see where this goes.
After this wonderfully comforting experience the Lord gave me rain. Not just rain, but a Thunderstorm! The lighting, the thunder! All just Him, sending chills up and down my spine and through my body. What is it about rain that just makes me want to sing to Jesus??????

So, long story short. I'll be okay:) I'm okay because God says so, even if I don't feel it. He says so. Just being me.
Not just okay, because we don't have an okay God. It'll be perfect. I just have no idea what perfect means. I wish I could really learn that.